Usagi Tsukino ☾ Eternal Sailor Moon (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
lightthedarkness) wrote2021-09-01 07:29 pm
lightthedarkness) wrote2021-09-01 07:29 pm
Deer Country IC Inbox
INBOX
Text / Voice / Video / Action
"Hi! This is Usagi Tsukino, sorry, I can't answer right now but if you leave a message I'll get back to you quick as a bunny! Have a nice day!"
code credit
Video; un: darkness
Usagi, can I come over to talk?
Video; UN: Cuddlebunny
But eventually, there is a reply, short and clipped.]
Fine.
[She contemplated telling him to meet her at the beach. After the Love incident, the idea of him being in her house... she let's out a breath. But after the Leviathan fight, she's not even sure what state the beach is IN and she's not going to HIS house. She'll be on her turf and she escaped before, she can escape again if she must.]
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He putters around the Pink Monstrosity for a little bit until he ends up in the kitchen where so many of their talks have taken place. He sits down and turns to look at her, elbows on the table and fingers laced together, his claws far longer than he likes to wear them thanks to the corruption running through his system.]
I have a lot to say. But first I wanted to say I'm sorry. I haven't treated you very well the past couple of months. I hurt you, both physically and emotionally, when you're one of the people here I should be treating the best after all we've been through together. You're one of my best friends and I've been treating you the same way my master treated me for so long. I let down everyone who had been helping me and made it seem like they didn't matter at all. I let myself down too. The core of the Dark Side isn't anger and hate. It's fear. And that's what I did, let my fear rule me and self-sabotage like I always do.
[He pauses there, unsure if he should go on, and waits to see if Usagi will have anything to say.]
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She hears the words and closes her eyes, listening to his tone, his words.
It's hard for her not to immediately forgive him, say everything is fine. Every fiber of her being says to believe it, to say it's okay. He sounds so believable and she wants to believe him. Because she knows there's good in him. Even if he royally fucked up, he's had just as many moments between the two of them where he's been genuine and sincere and kind. But she's not the sort to find solace in him being nice to only her. They would never get to him being nice to everyone, that just wasn't in his nature, but she didn't want to be the only one to see good in him either.
He's very good at apologizing individually, she'll give him that, even if he sucks at it on a larger scale.
When he mentions self-sabotage, she snorts and opens her eyes, locking blue to gold.]
I'm well aware what you did was self-sabotage. [She had told Varian as much.] I know you. I know what that whole episode was about. I know that you got scared, you became downright terrified and went to what you knew, what is safe territory.
Allow me to say the words you've always wanted me to:
You're right. You did let down everyone who has been helping you. You did make everything we've done to this point feel like nothing at all. You are absolutely right that you have treated me like garbage for months.
[The words don't have anger attached. It's as she said, she knew what this was as soon as she gave it a second of thought. It didn't make her happy that she called it, it didn't make her pleased to hear exactly what she knew to be true. It only filled her with a deep sadness because she's not so sure he won't do it again.]
Do you have more to say?
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Well, as we haven't really been talking, you haven't been there to witness me going about as low as I can possibly go.
[His arguments with Reaper that have now led to a possible indefinite estrangement, forcibly bonding with Anakin, killing Willow, getting into a fight with Constantine, burning so many bridges he's not even sure if anyone is left on his side anymore. This has all been a long time coming but the boiling point has been reached. This many consequences heaped onto him at once has finally broken through Maul's stubborn horned head and made him reconsider everything he's been doing recently.]
A lot has happened to me and I have been forced to take a good, long look at myself. I.....don't like what I see there any longer. You've always gotten annoyed with how I enjoy playing the role of the monster. I think.....I think I'm finally past that. It has not gotten me what I wanted and only ended in more misery for me. Slow learner that I am, it's taken me a while to finally see what I want, and I think I finally know. Power, yes, but not to rule and control as I've always thought. I want the power to protect people, to keep those I love and care about from harm. I won't make you any false promises. My words aren't worth much right now. But my actions are still something that has merit and I plan to show this entire city my inner change in the upcoming months.
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There are... so many things that immediately pop into her mind that she wants to say in response:
"And whose fault is that, that we haven't talked?"
"Was I supposed to come by and ask "are you okay" after you stabbed me and emotionally tortured me?"
None of them make it past her lips. She does, however, know much more than he thinks she does. She's well aware Varian fixed Maul's leg. He told her. She's well aware John ripped Maul in half. He told her. She's aware Willow was killed by Maul. John told her that too. She had seen Anakin's cry for help about the bond.
For someone who was taking a step back, she was somehow even more aware of Maul's actions. She wondered if that was irony.
Usagi closed her eyes again to listen. If she kept her eyes open, she wasn't sure what her expression would say. She wanted to neither condemn nor forgive. For now, she would just listen.
At the mention of wanting to protect the people he loves and cares about from harm, her eyes do open at that.]
Tell me, who is left on your list of love and care, Maul? [It's not meant to be a comment to torment him, that is not her goal. She keeps her face neutral.]
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Without missing a beat or any hesitation at her question, he rattles off a list of names.]
You. My brother. Reaper, if he will still have me. Luz. Varian. Wesker. Lucille. Luke. Obi-Wan. Neo. [He pauses, figuring that's enough to prove the point of her question.] I may have driven a number of people away but at least some remain.
[As he's often said, he's never going to find his way to the light within the darkness if there's no one waiting for him at the end of it. But there will be someone, he knows that now, and so he can't fear being left alone any longer.
He thinks about what he wants to say next.]
I hurt you personally a great deal when I was split into my different selves. I never told you how sorry I was for that and I should have done it long before now. I've never wanted to cause you pain like that and I did the best I could to hurt you as best I could at the time, both physically and mentally. I left scars. You deserve a better version of me than I have been able to give you.
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She doesn't bother to ask about what he intends to do about the names he's driven off. That's for him to figure out and for them to choose to forgive.]
I told you once, you may have to live with never being forgiven even if everything about you changes.
[She tilts her head.]
Are you prepared for that? To never be forgiven by the ones you've driven away?
[At the mention of herself she closes her eyes and her hand twitches to stop herself from reaching up for her shoulder. There is no scar there, not PHYSICALLY. She opens her eyes again.]
You should have, yes. [She lets out a breath. He's not the first to scar her, he won't be the last. Her life dictates she be hurt time and again. And it isn't fair, as Varian is so often to point out, but she cannot change what has happened, she cannot change how her scars have shaped her. She is not sure she wants to.]
You did your best, yes. [She agrees with him again and then inhales. But she's been through much worse.]
So what do you plan to do now, if what I deserve is better? [She won't guide him on this one. She won't put the words in his mouth. He has to come up with what it is he'll do or else, he won't mean it. He can't mean it, if she gives him the words to say, the actions to follow. She's done that, and look where it's gotten them.
So this time, it has to be on his own, or it will mean nothing. She doesn't need to apologize to herself, after all.]
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I've lived without people I've cared about in my life before. I'll survive.
[Would he be happy about it? Most certainly not. Would he be able to get through it? Probably yes. Maul has gone through far worse in his life and he's used to a lack of love within it. This is not the most healthy mindset but it's all he's got right now as a coping mechanism.]
I've got an idea of how to make amends to the Sleepers as a whole. That will be coming soon enough. I don't know if it will be too little, too late, but I have to try.
[He's just got to really hunker down and figure out all the details of what he needs to do. But he'll get there. Maul's always been one for dramatic statements and this is no different.]
But to make amends to you personally? [He looks up and catches Usagi's eyes.] I know you have been through a lot, much of it before you ever arrived here in Deerington. I.....I want to know about it. I've never asked you much and that is another fault I must correct.
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She watches him and he finally gets a proper, emotional reaction when he says he wants to know about her experiences. Her eyes widen and she's taken aback.]
So your means of making amends, is digging up my past? [She can't imagine what his logic is on that, what does learning about what she's gone through make up for what he's done? Usagi has very FEW walls, she is, as most would tell, an open book.
But not about her past. Not about her trauma and hardships. It makes her immediately pull back and she even steps back.]
No. [She's quick to say. She frowns. She doesn't want to share that. She didn't care that he never asked about her past, she didn't like sharing it. Not because it was bad. If he asked her about Mamoru or the girls or her family, she'd happily talk about all of it. But she knows that isn't what he wants to ask about.]
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Maul stands up but he doesn't move towards her, letting Usagi have her space.]
Varian told me about what happened to you before. [He quickly clarifies.] Not everything. Just enough to paint a picture for me as to why what I did to you when I was split up was such a horrible thing. I felt ashamed of myself in a way I never thought I could, that I could act like someone who was beyond redemption for you.
[He looks down at the kitchen floor before looking back up at Usagi. His voice is soft and coaxing.]
You taught me over the past two years that being vulnerable with other people isn't a weakness. It's a strength. And you're always so strong with everyone around you, myself included. But what happens when you need to be vulnerable? When you need to be able to fall apart?
[They both knew the answer to that. She didn't. She just gave and gace more to everyone else until there was nothing left for herself.]
I haven't been a very good friend to you, not the kind you deserve. But I want to be there for you now. I want to be the one you can turn to when you need someone to rely on and who can hold onto you when you're about to crumble.
[He moves forward a few steps and places a gentle, hesitant hand on one of her shoulders. What he said about being vulnerable is true, for that's what he's trying to be right now.]
I love you, Usagi, and you're one of the best friends I've ever had. So, please.... won't you tell me?
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She's not sure she has the strength to heal from it again while also healing from the pain Maul caused.
She stares at the floor, trying to decide what to do, while the memories are eager to resurface and she inhales sharply.
Usagi is so lost in her thoughts she practically jumps when his hand touches her shoulder, not even having noticed he moved closer. And right then, she does not look like the Guardian of the Moon, Champion of Love and Justice. Usagi does not look like the future Queen of Earth. Nor does she LOOK like the strongest, most powerful warrior of light in her galaxy.
She looks 18.
She looks scared and hurt and exhausted.
From his actions, from Trench, from her own past traumas that she desperately keeps from everyone because everyone has it as bad or worse and it doesn't LESSEN hers, she KNOWS that, but it makes it feel so... ridiculous to argue about how unfair it is.
It's ALWAYS unfair.
Maul didn't ask to be kidnapped and turned into a weapon
She didn't ask to be born with her powers and hunted down for them.
She's silent for a long moment, eternity and milliseconds in a single inhale.]
If...
[She lets out the breath. She wants to say "if ever this is used against me, we're done" to him, but she can't demand that of him. Trench can make people cruel, and Maul was already pretty nasty to begin with. Deerington made her kill her most precious people. Who was to say Trench wouldn't wring out every secret in his head?
Another breath.]
After I tell you... I need... [She felt so small compared to him, for a brief moment, she was scared of him, but it left with a breath.] I need space. [She whispered. She swallows to gain more of her voice.
Everyone has been begging her to give up on him, to let him go. She can't turn her back on him.
But she will take a step back.]
Maybe... Maybe once I tell you... it'll be a bit more clear...
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He can't think of that right now. All he can try to do is do better in the future, to prove he's capable of being the person she knows he is inside. To not revel in being the monster, in being proud of causing chaos and hurting others.
It is just as Varian has warned him it would be. Usagi needs space away from him. At least he's cognizant enough to realize this isn't a slight against him. She's not punishing him for good, leaving him alone in the dark forever. She just needs time to heal. They both do. So he nods.]
I'll take a step back. For as long as you need.
[Or at least until she is in another vulnerable position. Maul won't leave her to face something like Rei leaving again all on her own, not when she might need him so.]
Tell me. Please.
CW: Kidnapping, stalking, and sexual assault
No... no, she knew where to start.
She just... didn't want to talk about it. She never wants to talk about it. She paced for a moment around the kitchen, breathing and letting it go, trying to organize her thoughts, the ones that were important.]
When I was 14 or 15, just after facing one enemy, another came. There was this prince from another planet... Prince Diamond. His family was trying to steal my crystal, to prevent me from ever eventually ruling Earth.
But he wanted... something more, something else too.
[She took a deep breath.]
He wanted me.
He had these powers... he could paralyze your body among other things, and in the middle of a battle, he did just that.
He kidnapped me and took me back to his planet. I had been... knocked out. When I awoke, I was de-transformed from being Sailor Moon, I woke up in a gown similar to Serenity's because that's what he wanted to see me in... He...
He-
[She took a deep breath, not even sure when she had to grab onto the kitchen island counter, but if she were Sailor Moon right now, she was pretty sure she'd have cracked it with how tightly she was gripping it.]
He was going to keep me there, he laughed when I slapped him after forcibly kissing me.
His palace was a labyrinth, I could only get so far in it before I would faint and collapse from exhaustion, from the planet draining me of my energy. Every time... Every time, I would wake back up in his bed, where a hologram of myself as Serenity could be seen directly from it.
He intended his palace to be my grave and for me to be at his feet...
[She clenched her eyes shut, her whole body tense.]
I eventually escaped his planet with Mercury, Mars, and Jupiter.
I also eventually killed him.
[There was a lot that happened in those "eventually"s she's not telling Maul, but she let out a breath and tension left her shoulders as she lifted her head, looking back over to Maul.]
And he is lucky he is not here, because I cannot promise that I wouldn't try to kill him again, and again, and again without so much as a breath of hesitation until the universe gives up on reviving him. [Her voice was cold, her hands trembling before she turned her gaze from Maul and bowed her head.]
So there, now you know.
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It also drives home to him again that while Usagi is a good person, she's not soft by any means. She had killed this prince for doing what he did to her and would do so again without hesitation.
He can't even bring himself to try and meet her eyes.]
I am sorry.....I am so sorry there's a part of me that could ever remind you of him.
[More than any other apology Maul has given during his time here, this one might be the most sincere. He feels very small and utterly ashamed of himself. How could he have treated someone who loved him whole heartedly like that?]
I have done terrible things to you, someone I should treat better than anyone else, and yet you still stand by me.....why?
[He still doesn't understand how Usagi can forgive him time and again for his horrendous actions, to still see the good within him when he can't even see it himself.]
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She moved over to the kitchen window, looking outside.
She's already said he was right about how much he's hurt her, she doesn't need to say it again.]
You know, you're voicing a question plenty of people have wanted to ask me, I imagine. [She rested her hands on the rim of the sink. She looked back over towards him.]
There is good in you, Maul. [It is said simply, but so resolutely that arguing with her would be pointless.]
It is small, frail, fluttering, and trampled on time and again but it is there.
[She finally turned completely towards him, crossing her arms over her chest as she leaned against the sink. She moved one hand to hold it out and gestured to all of him.]
Many don't believe me when I say it is there. And after all of this, I may be one of the few left in this place who believes you have even a sliver of it. [She leaned forward.] Not even you believe it is there, which has been the problem this whole time, I suppose.
But I have seen what happens when what little good there is in someone is left in the dark, alone. I have seen what happens to the hearts of those whose good is snuffed out completely.
And I have killed those people, Maul, time and again.
I do not want that to happen to you, because I love you.
['And I've no desire to kill you,' was left hanging in the air, unsaid.]
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While he doesn't believe he is entirely evil, not the way his master is, he thinks that part of him that is good is so withered and broken that it will never grow again. All he's good for is causing death, to create chaos wherever he goes, and never to help anyone.
But he knows Usagi doesn't think that. If she did, she would have killed him over and over again by now, reducing him to a squid each time he reformed on the beach before he could do so much as take a few steps.
Yet she hadn't done that.
She sees the good in him, and if he can't have faith in himself, at least he can believe in what Usagi believes in him.
He's heard all that he needs to for the moment. Before he turns to leave, he speaks to his friend.]
I love you too. And.....I'll try to see for myself what you can see inside of me. To be worthy of your belief in me.
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She nods, knowing he can't promise her anything, not after what just happened.
So she will take what he has offered.]
I look forward to the day when you see the good I see. And I will look forward to when others can see it too.
[Because her gaze is... so infinitely vast, as much as it is immediate. She did not destroy the Cauldron because centuries, maybe millennia or even millions or billions of years later, a new one would be made and life would start anew and with it, war and chaos, peace and order, despair and hope. She knew this to be true.
She knew, too, that Maul had good in him. He would never be a shining light, but he would not have to be shrouded in darkness.]
But [She took a breath.
Well, Maul always said it was okay that she be selfish sometimes.] I cannot be there for this next part. These next few steps you must take by yourself. You will not be alone, and I will never truly leave you, but I think... you've been relying too much on me to catch you or correct you when you misstep, and I've let you.
I know you can do it.
I have always known you could do it.
Now you just need to know it too.