lightthedarkness | Deer Country IC Inbox

[She knows him far too well. This has been something that's been bothering him since he found out. Something Fern tried to nip in the bud, but it's stayed there in the back of his mind, festering quietly. ]

I'm glad Luz was there to help him, really, I am. I'm glad we can rely on each other because that's important.

But he's supposed to be able to rely on me. I might have had all that going on, but he was hurting and I was too wrapped up in my own mess to notice. What does that say about me? I just feel like a failed him when he needed me the most.

Fern told me it's just something we both need to be sorry for and move on but I don't know. I can't shake the feeling that I should have noticed something. I'm supposed to be the person that knows him the best and I didn't know that.

We can work on this now, but what if something else happens in the future and I don't notice that, either? What if it's something even more serious next time?

Varian, he can rely on you.

But it's important that he doesn't rely only on you. That is too much to ask for both of you. You can't be expected to be there for every single thing he goes through and he can't be asked to only ever depend on you to help him.

You're going to get wrapped up in your own messes. You're human. You're a teenager. You're going through your first real relationship. And oh yeah, we're in a hellish blood-soaked wasteland that may or may not be trying to kill us.

Not being able to be there for everything Fern struggles with doesn't suddenly mean you stopped loving him or that you stopped caring about him. It doesn't mean that FERN stopped loving you, or caring about you, and wishing to confide in you.

There are going to be things he can't or won't tell you. There are going to be things you can't or won't tell him. It doesn't mean either of you are bad boyfriends. It means that a SINGLE PERSON cannot meet every. single. emotional. need of another being.

And that's not GOING to happen, Varian, not if you want to maintain an actual healthy relationship.

If it's something more serious in the future, and for whatever reason, you don't notice it? Then it's good someone else can help him, that he has more help than just one person. There are going to be times both of you are out of your depths and you won't know what to do. Believe me, I've been there, and believe me, I know how deeply upsetting the thing you're feeling right now is.

For someone who doesn't want ME to take on everyone's problem, you're doing your damndest to take on all of Fern's, Varian.

I know. I know all of that and I know you're right. I can't just...keep expecting to know everything and take everything on my shoulders. I do understand that.

[But understanding and being able to carry that knowledge out are two different things. ]

I just wish I had seen it happening. It feels like something I should have known even if I couldn't help him with it. I get there's stuff he'd not be able to tell me and vice versa. But when he's in actual pain?

I should have seen something.

You understand it, but you don't feel it.

Yeah, I get that. I can understand things and still feel upset about something.

Would saying "yes, you should have," somehow make you feel better? I can... I can tell you a million times it's not your fault, Varian. I could break it down with CHARTS about why you couldn't see.

Sometimes... we just... miss things, whatever the reason, whether we wanted to or not. It doesn't mean you suddenly love Fern less, it doesn't mean Fern loves YOU less. It means one person cannot be there for absolutely every single thing for another person, not even when they are in pain.

And it... it hurts, to know you weren't there to see something. But it doesn't mean you didn't love them enough or you weren't vigilant.

You're GOING to miss things, you're going to get things wrong, there are going to be misunderstandings.

You need to forgive yourself for them because if you beat yourself up every time, that's all your going to see, your failings. And you're so much more than that.

Yeah. Exactly that.

[He's very aware the way he feels doesn't make much sense. He knows Fern hates that he feels this way, that it's actively upsetting his boyfriend that this is eating away at him. He knows he needs to get over it, but it's easier said than done. ]

It probably wouldn't- the charts probably wouldn't do it either. I get why I'm feeling like this. And I know it doesn't mean I love him less or...him loving me less. Honestly, I really do know all of that.

But it does feel like I wasn't enough. That I should have been more for him. He's had enough people failing him in his life.

[But he does understand that he can't ALWAYS be there. He can't always win, sometimes he is going to fail Fern and there's nothing he can do about that. But it still hurts, and he doesn't know how to make it stop hurting. To keep that voice in the back of his head from screaming at him for hurting someone he loves.]

Sometimes, it's hard to believe that.

But... you're not failing him.

Varian, let me tell you something that took me a while to really understand. Failing someone isn't about "not just being there." Sometimes people aren't there and that's outside of their control.

Failing someone? REALLY failing someone? Is not caring that you did nothing when you had every means to help in some way.

And... sometimes we aren't enough. But that isn't the same as failing. It's one of the hardest lessons to learn. Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone or cherish them, or want to be the one to save them, you can't. You aren't enough.

I've had to swallow that pill so many times, Varian, it never becomes easier to take. It's a hard pill to swallow BECAUSE you love someone so much because you want to do everything you can for them. [She hadn't been even close to enough for Chibiusa when she was turned into Wicked Lady. Literally, nothing she said or did could break Wiseman's powers over her because Usagi had so many sins stacked against her in her daughter's mind. It took Pluto's death to break the curse. It has been years since then, but it didn't make the situation any less difficult to remember on all sides.]

It doesn't get any easier.

It just... is.

Like so much else in life, this is just a hard-learned truth.

But it doesn't mean you failed.

Not being enough and failing a person, those are different things.

[You aren't enough.

And that is always Varian's problem. It's been his problem long before he washed up on the shores of Trench and before he appeared in the dream of Deerington. It's been a problem that's dogged him for as long as he understood the concept. Not being enough. Not being enough for his father, his village, Rapunzel, Eugene, Cassandra. For everyone and anyone.

She's right, it is a hard lesson to learn and he wants to rail against it. They're the same thing, of course, they are. And not being enough is just...awful. He knows, heknows she's right and he hates it. He very almost just...switches the Omni off to try and ignore all of this, to wallow in his self-hatred instead. The little '...' dances around the screen for a while.

He knows it's not healthy to ignore this, though.]

I hate not being enough.

[Something he doesn't really need to tell her, she's more than aware of almost every horrible turn in his story. ]

It makes me feel like I don't deserve him. And I know that's stupid and he'd disagree with that ALL the way. I know thinking that isn't right and it's only making things worse for me. I GET that.

[Because his friends and loved ones have laid that lecture down on him more than enough now.]

I guess it's just really hard to shake. Feeling like not being enough is... I don't know. A reflection on me.

[On his own worth.]

I know. And I've been there, time and again.

It... the way I've found I can help fix that mentality is 1. reminding myself what I have done for my loved ones. 2. Spend time with the person I feel like I failed and just spend some real quality time with them, talking with them, doing something they enjoy, not as an apology but to remind myself how THEY see me, not how I might see myself. And lastly, 3. not indulging in "what-ifs." Because they'll destroy you.

What if I hadn't done this or that, what if I had said this instead of that, what if, what if, what if.

I really have been in your shoes, Varian. There was a time... I was nowhere near enough to save my own daughter. And I... I was wracked with guilt about it, about how I should have done so many things differently. My not being enough... Even now, I still have to fight the what-ifs and refocus my thoughts on it being done and learning and growing from it.

Because she forgave me.

And it isn't fair to her if I refuse to forgive myself.

I think that's the problem. All the what-ifs. They just roll around in my head and get louder and louder and it's hard to ignore and-

And a lot of the time, I don't feel like I deserve any forgiveness.

[For anything. It's still a big hurdle for him. Being able to marry the knowledge he has been forgiven with the concept that he deserves it. He's still...working on that one. Still, he genuinely appreciates her advice.]

That's a good way of looking at it, though. Those steps? I'll try to remember that. I can't promise I'll be very good at it, but I can try.

They're... a major hurdle, to be sure. And even knowing that I shouldn't give in to them, I still do, plenty of times. So it's hard work, it gets tiring, sometimes it's easier to give in. But that just makes me more depressed. I imagine it kinda feels the same, right?

I think... that's something you... have to come to terms with. People can forgive you, have forgiven you, but it'll just be words until you can also forgive yourself.

But maybe start with phrasing it... 'I will learn to forgive myself?' Then maybe it won't feel so daunting? Something to work towards rather than just having to accept?

I think it's more that understanding WHY anyone would forgive me is still...rough. Like it doesn't make a lot of sense? I'm still expecting people to see me as some huge fraud or...something. And I know that's all in my own head, I DO get that.

I just always feel like I could be doing better by people.

[He's in an unwinnable race with himself all the time.]

That still sounds pretty daunting, Usagi.

Well, could I tell you why I would forgive you? Not that you've done anything to me I need to forgive.[Quite the opposite.]

You're looking for perfection, Varian, and that doesn't exist. No one can be perfect, even you.

You've never been one to back down from a real challenge, daunting or otherwise.

Not done anything yet.

It's not about being perfect, it's about being good enough.

[It's absolutely about being perfect.]

Those are different challenges though. Those are things I can think my way through. I can't think my way out of this- thinking only makes it worse.

Even IF (and that's a VERY big if, Varian) you did, I love you too much to just walk away.

That... I'm afraid is not anything anyone can convince you of, Vivi. I could tell you all of the VERY TRUE amazing things that make you MORE than "good enough." But you have to be the one to see your own value.

Maybe you just need to... rethink it in a different light, then. Turn the idea on it's head, see it in a new way.

Yeah. You've made THAT much clear already,

[He's not convinced it's the right thing, but he knows he won't change her mind on that.]

Maybe. I don't know how right now. It's just... a lot.

I'm very stubborn like that.

It is a lot. But you know, you're doing a really great, big step by telling others. Not keeping everything in, letting others help you...

When you let people help you, it feels less "a lot" and more manageable.

I have noticed.

[He's glad to hear talking about it is the right step. He's been nervous about that, about putting too much on people, he doesn't want to be a burden. ]

I guess so. Everyone has so much to deal with themselves, though.

Varian, you refuse to let ME use that excuse for even one second. What makes you think I'm going to let YOU use it?

Think about how you feel when I or Fern keep something hurting us to ourselves. It's the same thing.

[He hates it when she's right and calls him out on his bullshit.]

...

I guess it is. I'm sorry. I guess I'm not so good at taking my own advice.

[At least he's admitting it. Baby steps. ]

I'm not either. We can work on it, together. You don't have to do any of this alone, okay?

I know. Thank you, Usgai. You don't either, not ever.

Well, that's what family does, Varian.

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