lightthedarkness | Deer Country IC Inbox

I don't know. I think so, now?

It wasn't for a lot of it. I didn't realise how much he was struggling with his new powers and I freaked out about the human thing a lot.

To be fair to you, it was a pretty big change.

It was, but now I feel bad for freaking out because I didn't realise all the reasons he'd done it.

Did he tell you about the plant thing? How he could hear them now? And how it was actually hurting him? I didn't even pick up on that because I was too busy dealing with my own stuff and I feel pretty awful about that.

I'm sorry, he can *what*?[That would be a "no, he didn't tell her."] What do you mean he can hear them?

He can hear them. Like...they're talking to him? He said when all the moonflowers died all at once last month it hurt him a lot.

[The guilt surges back. Fern was in pain and he didn't know.]

He couldn't ever do that before. It freaked him out a lot.

That must be... absolutely awful. To be able to hear every single plant...

Is that why he asked me to turn him human? To make the hearing them go away?

The way he talked about it, it was absolute torture.

It was the big reason, yeah. It sounds like he was scared about all of it. Having those new powers. I can't say I blame him.

And now? He's turned back by now. Is he still... feeling them? Hearing them?

Now he's back, yeah he is. But he's trying to...deal with it, I guess. Trying to be more comfortable in his not-skin.

There's gotta be something more than just him "dealing" with it. A way to... dampen it without dampening him.

Meditating or... maybe finding out how the power even came to be? If he's suffering, and there's something we can do, then we should.

Yeah, I want to find a way to help him, too. I hate thinking that he's struggling.

It's definitely not in my usual area of expertise. Peter Parker talked about power dampeners being a thing in his world. Might be worth looking into. If he wants it.

Well, ways to control powers is something possible in my world but not... something I have personal experience with except being attacked by it.

But yeah, he has to want it. But maybe not power dampeners, maybe just... channeling it differently? Like the way Maul and Obi-Wan channel the Force?

It's not anything I'm used to because...well, magic just does what it wants.

Hmmm maybe. He's got a better relationship with Maul right now, he might be able to shed some light on the best way to go about that.

[Varian is horribly unable to help in this situation and he hates it. ]

I would say magic has rules but... I've encountered plenty that doesn't. Only limits.

Oh! Oh that's good! That's great! And I'm good friends with Obi-Wan! Maybe at least one of them might be able to help! We'll figure this out, Vivi. We won't let Fern suffer this alone.

The magic back home is far more chaotic.

Yeah... of course. We'll figure something out. Thanks, Usagi. I really appreciate the help. I'm so worried about him.

Of course you're worried about him.

You love him.

That's what people do for the people they love.

I know. I do.

[And, because it's been bothering him so much:]

I should have noticed it sooner. Do you know it was Luz who had to help him when all the moonflowers died? I didn't know it was happening.

[Because he'd been running on very little sleep and corruption was digging deep into his mind, but he feels that's not good enough. He should have seen, he should have known. ]

[Usagi can practically HEAR his own self-loathing at not seeing what happened to Fern go on in Varian's head. She was no different when it came to the girls, Mamoru, or her own friends.

So no. She's nipping this in the bud.]

Are you a mind reader, Varian? Gained some new telepathic abilities on top of fire you didn't tell me about? Or maybe you became an empath in addition to all your skills?

You were forcibly sleep-deprived and your paranoia heightened.

You will not blame yourself for not noticing when you were barely allowed to physically function.

It's GOOD that Luz saw and helped him. That's what a supporting household and friendship SHOULD be. You cannot always be there all the time, Vivi, and I know how much you would want to be, and I know how much it hurts to feel like you missed this.

But you know now. And it's not as if it's "too late."

It's a problem.

And *WE ALL* will help find a way to handle it.

[She knows him far too well. This has been something that's been bothering him since he found out. Something Fern tried to nip in the bud, but it's stayed there in the back of his mind, festering quietly. ]

I'm glad Luz was there to help him, really, I am. I'm glad we can rely on each other because that's important.

But he's supposed to be able to rely on me. I might have had all that going on, but he was hurting and I was too wrapped up in my own mess to notice. What does that say about me? I just feel like a failed him when he needed me the most.

Fern told me it's just something we both need to be sorry for and move on but I don't know. I can't shake the feeling that I should have noticed something. I'm supposed to be the person that knows him the best and I didn't know that.

We can work on this now, but what if something else happens in the future and I don't notice that, either? What if it's something even more serious next time?

Varian, he can rely on you.

But it's important that he doesn't rely only on you. That is too much to ask for both of you. You can't be expected to be there for every single thing he goes through and he can't be asked to only ever depend on you to help him.

You're going to get wrapped up in your own messes. You're human. You're a teenager. You're going through your first real relationship. And oh yeah, we're in a hellish blood-soaked wasteland that may or may not be trying to kill us.

Not being able to be there for everything Fern struggles with doesn't suddenly mean you stopped loving him or that you stopped caring about him. It doesn't mean that FERN stopped loving you, or caring about you, and wishing to confide in you.

There are going to be things he can't or won't tell you. There are going to be things you can't or won't tell him. It doesn't mean either of you are bad boyfriends. It means that a SINGLE PERSON cannot meet every. single. emotional. need of another being.

And that's not GOING to happen, Varian, not if you want to maintain an actual healthy relationship.

If it's something more serious in the future, and for whatever reason, you don't notice it? Then it's good someone else can help him, that he has more help than just one person. There are going to be times both of you are out of your depths and you won't know what to do. Believe me, I've been there, and believe me, I know how deeply upsetting the thing you're feeling right now is.

For someone who doesn't want ME to take on everyone's problem, you're doing your damndest to take on all of Fern's, Varian.

I know. I know all of that and I know you're right. I can't just...keep expecting to know everything and take everything on my shoulders. I do understand that.

[But understanding and being able to carry that knowledge out are two different things. ]

I just wish I had seen it happening. It feels like something I should have known even if I couldn't help him with it. I get there's stuff he'd not be able to tell me and vice versa. But when he's in actual pain?

I should have seen something.

You understand it, but you don't feel it.

Yeah, I get that. I can understand things and still feel upset about something.

Would saying "yes, you should have," somehow make you feel better? I can... I can tell you a million times it's not your fault, Varian. I could break it down with CHARTS about why you couldn't see.

Sometimes... we just... miss things, whatever the reason, whether we wanted to or not. It doesn't mean you suddenly love Fern less, it doesn't mean Fern loves YOU less. It means one person cannot be there for absolutely every single thing for another person, not even when they are in pain.

And it... it hurts, to know you weren't there to see something. But it doesn't mean you didn't love them enough or you weren't vigilant.

You're GOING to miss things, you're going to get things wrong, there are going to be misunderstandings.

You need to forgive yourself for them because if you beat yourself up every time, that's all your going to see, your failings. And you're so much more than that.

Yeah. Exactly that.

[He's very aware the way he feels doesn't make much sense. He knows Fern hates that he feels this way, that it's actively upsetting his boyfriend that this is eating away at him. He knows he needs to get over it, but it's easier said than done. ]

It probably wouldn't- the charts probably wouldn't do it either. I get why I'm feeling like this. And I know it doesn't mean I love him less or...him loving me less. Honestly, I really do know all of that.

But it does feel like I wasn't enough. That I should have been more for him. He's had enough people failing him in his life.

[But he does understand that he can't ALWAYS be there. He can't always win, sometimes he is going to fail Fern and there's nothing he can do about that. But it still hurts, and he doesn't know how to make it stop hurting. To keep that voice in the back of his head from screaming at him for hurting someone he loves.]

Sometimes, it's hard to believe that.

But... you're not failing him.

Varian, let me tell you something that took me a while to really understand. Failing someone isn't about "not just being there." Sometimes people aren't there and that's outside of their control.

Failing someone? REALLY failing someone? Is not caring that you did nothing when you had every means to help in some way.

And... sometimes we aren't enough. But that isn't the same as failing. It's one of the hardest lessons to learn. Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone or cherish them, or want to be the one to save them, you can't. You aren't enough.

I've had to swallow that pill so many times, Varian, it never becomes easier to take. It's a hard pill to swallow BECAUSE you love someone so much because you want to do everything you can for them. [She hadn't been even close to enough for Chibiusa when she was turned into Wicked Lady. Literally, nothing she said or did could break Wiseman's powers over her because Usagi had so many sins stacked against her in her daughter's mind. It took Pluto's death to break the curse. It has been years since then, but it didn't make the situation any less difficult to remember on all sides.]

It doesn't get any easier.

It just... is.

Like so much else in life, this is just a hard-learned truth.

But it doesn't mean you failed.

Not being enough and failing a person, those are different things.

[You aren't enough.

And that is always Varian's problem. It's been his problem long before he washed up on the shores of Trench and before he appeared in the dream of Deerington. It's been a problem that's dogged him for as long as he understood the concept. Not being enough. Not being enough for his father, his village, Rapunzel, Eugene, Cassandra. For everyone and anyone.

She's right, it is a hard lesson to learn and he wants to rail against it. They're the same thing, of course, they are. And not being enough is just...awful. He knows, heknows she's right and he hates it. He very almost just...switches the Omni off to try and ignore all of this, to wallow in his self-hatred instead. The little '...' dances around the screen for a while.

He knows it's not healthy to ignore this, though.]

I hate not being enough.

[Something he doesn't really need to tell her, she's more than aware of almost every horrible turn in his story. ]

It makes me feel like I don't deserve him. And I know that's stupid and he'd disagree with that ALL the way. I know thinking that isn't right and it's only making things worse for me. I GET that.

[Because his friends and loved ones have laid that lecture down on him more than enough now.]

I guess it's just really hard to shake. Feeling like not being enough is... I don't know. A reflection on me.

[On his own worth.]

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